confessions of a lesbian

Ok, well in all honesty i don’t really know where to begin. Actually i don’t really even know what I’m doing here.

All i know is that i don’t have a freaking clue about ANYTHING anymore.

Ah yes, I’m sure your rolling your eyes thinking this is just another angsty teenager struggling to find her place in the world, but that’s not the case. Well, not entirely.

See it all started.... actually i can’t pin point the exact moment but, i have 'somewhat' recently, you might say, come to the surprising realisation that i am gay.

Ah, lo and behold, another confused soul struggling in a world of black, white and in my case a big, fat, flaming rainbow!

No, i guess what i a trying to say is that, i am having a bit of a hard time swallowing this pill and I’m sure for all the typical reasons that people coming to terms with their sexuality experience, for example:

What will my parents think?

Will i become a social leper?

Will i ever be able to have a family?

Am i the only one that feels this way?

Do i have to now shave my hair off, put on 20kgs and get a GRRLS RULE bumper sticker before anyone will actually believe I’m a lesbian?

I guess the one perk to the situation is that i can now get into my local night club for free on 'gay night' again as long as i can prove to be of the 'lesbian' persuasion.

Because in all honesty, if you looked at me i don’t believe i would instantly be kicking your gaydar into maximum overdrive, unlike my lady friend below.

WARNING: Your gaydar might literally explode upon sight of this women.

But, coming back coming back to my point, I’m not your typical looking lesbian. Actually to describe me in one word, i would (shamefully) have to say I’m 'femme' or feminie in appearance, aka i look like your average girl next door. 

I like to dress up, i curl my (very) long brown hair almost every day. (don’t panic i also deep condition once a week lol) 

I have more close then i will EVER wear in my entire life and an extensive collection of shoes of which i am very proud and that make me tingle inside when i look up them. 

Too far? Oh well, i am as proud of the fact that I’m gay (although still closeted...) as i am of being a GIRL.

Yes ladies and gentlemen i am a GIRL who looks like a GIRL and loves other GIRLS!

The stereotypical illusion has been shattered! haha not really...

There always has been and always will be lesbians who like to look girly... for arguments sake let’s review Portia De Rossi-DeGeneres the breathtaking wife famously to out and proud talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, just in case you hadn’t caught on or had been living under a rock for 10+ years.

So, after all the above ranting, what I’m really trying to express here is, in a culture that so highly values individuality and expression of self, will i ever be able to fit in? Will i ever be accepted as a lesbian and more tragically will ever find love and fulfilment as a lesbian?

I’m praying the answer is yes... because so far it’s all been a pretty hard nut to crack this LGBT community and I’m starting to feel like maybe i am the only one out there. 

So I’m asking all you LESBIANS, GAYS, BISEXUALS, TRANSGENERS, QUEERS, QUESTIONINGS and any other weird but wonderful sexualities you can come up with, please share your stories of self-realisation and 'coming out' because i would love to be able to take comfort in knowing I’m not alone!

And thankyou everyone who took the time to read this, i hope you stay tuned for the next instalment of my journey to the wonderful and beautifully decorated land of gaydom.

Till then, SAY GOLDEN!