Dreams are a bitch...

So i had a really horrible dream last night... or nightmare rather.

It’s one of those ones where you wake up and you firstly, thank god that it was really just a dream, and have an overwhelming compulsion to curl up in a ball and start crying...

Now, the dream was that my grandparents who i am super close to had passed away... i was devastated, my whole family was.

Then my parents (who never say more than two words to each other) made a plan to commit suicide and went through with it!

It was an earth shattering moment... my mum was, without question, the best mum in the world.

She had the ability to be my mother and my best friend without compromising on either aspect and it was now only me and my younger sister and for the life of me i just couldn’t understand why it had happened.

Then i started thinking about all the things that these four people, that mean the word to me, were going to miss in my life.

My wedding day, that day i have kids, even just my graduation from University. Things that i had always seen then there for.

Smiling at me, encouraging me, telling me they loved me.

And through all of it i couldn’t help but hate the fact that they died, not knowing about this part of me that i kept hidden, my sexuality.

Now in the grand scheme of things i knew that they would love me no less upon knowledge of this fact and it would not for a second change the person that i am in their eyes.

But it still hurt that they didn’t know, and honestly without them in my life, sharing it with me, i didn’t feel like i could keep living... like that in time i would just slowly fade out and be gone forever as they were.

Now in the midst of this other bizarre and unexplainable thing happened as they often do in dreams and eventually i woke up.

So once the urge to burst into tears and run into my mums room to just check that she really was still there subsided i got a chance to review this dream and heres what i came up with.

1. I have deeply rooted fears of losing the people i love
2. I was scared that i would lose them before i worked up the courage to tell them I’m gay
And 3. That the reason i have issues getting close to people coincides with number 1.

Now let me just say that I’m not specifically scared of telling my family I’m gay, I’m more scared of what that means.

Because to me that means its real, there’s no going back. That i have put this expectation upon myself to then go out and find a girlfriend, but i honestly think that you don’t need to have a girlfriend to know your gay and i know they won’t think that either.

So all in all, i think i will still need a bit more time to become comfortable with the fact myself before i tell anyone, and I KNOW i have said this before it’s just that i felt like i needed to share this war my subconscious was waging with my resolve.

I won this battle this time but I’m truly not sure how much longer i can go on without telling someone....

Well, till next time, stay golden ladies and gents!